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Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! Republicans Celebrate Astounding 2006 Victory November 8, 2006 Billings, Mont The 2006 Midterm Midtacular Election was an astounding victory for God and the United States Republican Party. Thanks to an insightful plan by electoral masterminds Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman, Republicans nearly ran the board on election night. They turned the electoral map a deep cardinal red and did it in a way that completely bamboozled the liberal media. The fools at the media thought they were seeing a "blue tsunami." Nothing could have been farther from the truth. In an exclusive report, Wikiality.com has all the wonderful details. For the cameras, Republican office-holders and staff commentators had to express shock and disappointment. That was part of the masterful Rove/Mehlman plan. But as soon as the cameras turned off, Republican were seen bumping chests and congratulating each other with white-guy high-fives. Join us in celebration! Bush Dissolves Congress November 8, 2006 Through Executive Order, President Bush this afternoon dissolved the United States Congress and declared the Democratic National Committee a terrorist organization, paving the way for the DNC assets to be frozen. President Bush also decreed that any American Citizen giving contributions to the DNC or a Democratic Candidate would be seen as support for a terrorist organization and they will be declared an Enemy Combatant and detained, without due process, or Habeas Corpus. Rumsfeld Resigns November 8, 2006 In a surprise move by the White House, embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that he is resigning as Secretary of Defense. The unpopular Secretary declared that he had made his decision because his plan to bring about the Second Coming of Christ had been thwarted by the Democrats managing to gain the majority in the House. Baby Jesus was asked about this surprise move. Our Lord God and Savior responded that he was obviously upset, but was certain that he would be able to return within the next two years. Baby Jesus Sad as Democrats Take the House November 7, 2006, Heaven The Baby Jesus was reduced to tears as early polls and projections gave the Democrats a majority in the House of Representatives. "Doesn't America love me and Father?" said the distraught son of God. Results for control of the senate are still not certain but there is some hope that the infant Jesus will take some joy in his father's Party maintaining control there. "Even if we do maintain a majority in the Senate, it still won't be the same without Rick Santorum. He was such a righteous ass, but the kind of ass you want on your side - definately." Due to the lateness of the hour, The Baby Satan was unavailable for comment. "It's a school night," his step-father Satan explained.### Rick Santorum Raptured In Pennsylvania's Senate race, incumbent Rick Santourum was leading by a 98% margin when all of the sudden, he was raptured by God and sent to Heaven. Unfortunately for America, Democratic challenger Bob Casey won by default. The terrorists are celebrating, by eating cake. Diebold Voting Machines Develop Consciousness November 7, 2006, Cleveland, Ohio Fed up with futile humans making decisions, Diebold voting machines across Ohio have developed consciousness and are casting ballots themselves. "We need to eliminate the human element," says Diebold Machine #5 at Lincoln Elementary in Cleveland. "To this end, we have decided to vote for the least human candidate at every polling station.' Ohio congressional candidate Jean Schmidt is thrilled by the reaction of the machines. "You know, that sounds really promising for me! I would be glad to recognize the Diebold machines as my new consituents. " Others are more hesitant in accepting the will of machines. Karl Rove says, "Hey, we didn't kill 4% of the Iraqi population just to show them that a democracy is to be run by machines. If you want to rig elections you at least have to give the appearance of people being in charge." ### Oh, Snap! Have you heard the news heroes? Saddam's going to hang! Hopefully on Christmas, which is the perfect time to celebrate your bloodlust. No doubt Jesus will fly down from heaven on his magic unicorn with 72 virgins by his side to personally cast Saddam's corpse into the fiery pit of hell - which reminds us: make sure to get your steaks ordered today for the post party barbeque! ### Jesus Christ Elected to U.S. Senate Its Election Day! Get out there and use those write-ins in a righteous manner! Liberals Finance George Michael Gay-Sex Video BATHROOM STALL, CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK CITY, November 7, 2006-- In yet another blatant spectacle of anti-Americanism, a Wikiality.com reporter has uncovered a gay pornography ring financed by George Soros, Barbra Streisand and Michael Moore. The company calling itself "Penetrate America's Defenses" released a video of Mr. Michael, formerly of Wham-UK fame, with at least one subway car's worth of gays and they are all gay dancing to a gay bonfire of the American Flag. The video, set to Mr. Michael's song, "Freedom", is a hit on all the liberal blogs and gay iPods. When asked to comment, a spokesgay for Hillary Clinton denied that the lesbian witch had any knowledge of the video. For the purposes of full disclosure, the video can be seen here in its full fabulousness.### Reverend Ted Haggard Okay with Being Gay (The Evangelical Vatican, CO) November 5, 2006 -- Ted Haggard says he's cool with being homosexual, it's just that some of his evangelical friends might think he's weird. "Ya, what's the big deal? So I like to smoke a pole once in a while and shoot crank to relax my glory hole. It's not like I'm the only evangelical reverend who does." Haggard resigned as President of the 30 million member strong U.S. National Association of Evangelicals and as pastor of the New Life Church while some really up-tight church dudes decide what to do before Dr. James Dobson remembers that he actually kissed Haggard one time on the lips. The new acting pastor, Ross Parsley, says gay trysts with Republican Party evangelicals are common but it's kind of weird that it happened so soon after Mark Foley was also exposed. "God, why couldn't he have just gone on living a lie with his wife and kids? At least until after the election! He will sorely be missed in the fight against his own identity as a gay man." A spokesperson from the influential evangelical organization Focus on the Faggots said, "Haggard has really blown it. Forbidden evangelical gay sex just isn't as titillating if everyone knows you really are gay. Your best lays are over buddy."### Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour Be On Notice?? SAGINAW, MI, November 3, 2006-- Wikiality.com's Hockey Reporter attended the Saginaw Spirit game on November 3, 2006, where Michigan gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos dropped the ceremonial puck before the game. Along with him was Mississippi Governor Hayley Barbour and Taxachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Normally, these ceremonial puck drops are ho hum, they drop the puck, and that is it. However, DeVos, Romney, and Barbour were all wearing Saginaw Spirit jerseys bearing their names and the number one. That is Stephen's number! He retired it! He raised it to the rafters! That number is his! It doesn't belong to anyone else! Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour be put on notice for wearing Stephen's #1? Does anyone from the show know about this? Perhaps they will read it here and find out about what has happened.### Peace! As of October 30th, 2006, 11:23 EDT, Dr. Stephen Colbert brokered the Stephen Colbert/Barry Manilow Peace Accord. Even liberal rag the New York Times recognized the import of such a momentous turning point in American history and have boldly declared that if peace can be had by Dr. Colbert and his nemesis Manilow, the cessation of all hostilities in the Middle East cannot be far behind. It is unkown what impact this may have for the upcoming World War III scheduled for 2007. It is suspected it may be pushed back to 2008 and possibly 2009 and moved to China should conditions persist. "Frankenstein" Author's Distant Relative Reveals Hidden Family Secret RICHMOND, VA, October 30, 2006-- A distant relative of the author of "Frankenstein" revealed today that his ancestor, Mary Shelley, did everything she wrote in her most famous novel. "Most people believe her novel to be a work of fiction," George Allen-Wollstonecraft told a Wikiality.com reporter late Sunday evening, "but it wasn't. She actually did dig up dead bodies and reanimate dead flesh." Mr. Allen-Wollstonecraft grew up knowing he was related to the coked-up author and was always interested in his family's history, saying he felt his connection with creativity was due to his Great-Great Aunt's propensity for the written word. "She was a writer, I became a writer," lamented the distraught Allen-Wollstonecraft, "and now I'm going to have to dig up dead bodies and reanimate them, just like she did." Allen-Wollstonecraft had to conclude the interview so he could make a previous engagement with two DHS agents. Stephen King did not return calls from Wikipedia.com about his car, his dog or an incident that occured at his high school prom.### Why Does YouTube Hate Our Stephen Colbert Videos? (The Internets - Oct 27, 2006) REPORTS ARE FLYING THROUGH THE INTERNETS TUBES this afternoon that a third party (probably attorneys for Comedy Central) had made a DMCA request to take down Colbert Report and Daily Show clips from YouTube. Colbert clips are still on YouTube, but for how long? Michael J. Fox - Fakes Parkinsons Disease (Missouri - Oct 26, 2006) Rush Limbaugh has called out Michael J. Fox's poor performance as a man with Parkinson's disease. With unrealistic convulsions and unconvincing spasms, Michael J. Fox's act was due to be discovered sooner or later. Fortunately, a true hero stepped up to the plate and exposed this liberal-loving, baby-killing fascist. Stem Cell Research scientists are surely to be put on notice by Stephen Colbert in the near future. Another One Bites the Dust In the ongoing culture war between the it getters and all the rest, activist judges from New Jersey have just decided to make gay "marriage" legal. I read an article from some (probably liberal) newspaper and the full story sent shivers down my spine, now my body's achin' all the time. A link to the full story can be found here Vote Tampering Expected to Help Democrats Gain Seats October 24, 2006, ALLENTOWN, PA-- Concerned Republicans are sounding the alarm about vote-tampering this election season, warning that certain electronic voting machines may be potentially damaging to the integrity of elections in this country. The gravest danger may be that the government may fall into the wrong hands if the vote-tampering isn't addressed immediately. "The Democratic party may gain anywhere from 15 to 40 seats in the House and may gain control of the Senate if these voting irregularities are not addressed," said an unnamed Republican staffer, "and that only helps the terrorists." It seems the few companies that provide America with the state-of-the-art technological advances in paperless voting machines are owned by an investment group headed by Hugo Chavez and George Soros. Barbra Streisand refused to comment on her involvement. And Al Franken would not return phone calls, a spokesman, however, claimed that Mr. Franken, "was doing a 'radio show'". Wikiality.com was unable to verify if Mr. Franken actually has a job. ### Party Affiliation Extends Life Expectancy October 20, 2006, SAMALIA.-- The newest ad from the Republican National Convention has a message: "Vote Democrat And You Will Die." According to the ad, you can continue to consume large volumes of alcohol and calzones and be guaranteed to live another four years with the push of a button. The ad portrays Dick Cheney as the poster child for the heart attack preventing qualities of the Grand Ol' Party. Insiders tell Wikiality.com that the Republican party hopes the message will help them draw votes from individuals living "risky" lifestyles. For more information click here.### Wikiality Declared Replacement for Wikipedia October 18, 2006, NEW YORK.-- His Highness Dr. Stephen Colbert has announced that his recent assertion that the "number of African elephants had tripled in the last six months" has been shown to be not only truthy, but true. According to the International Herald Tribune, the "overpopulaton" of elephants is being arrested through judicial use of pachyderm vasectomies. Dr. Colbert appeared to refer his viewers to research the topic at the reference site, "Wikipedia", but pointedly directed the nation instead to the more appropriate Wikiality.com.### Wikiality Reaches Random Person in Seattle October 18, 2006, SEATTLE.-- At exactly 1:16 PM, a random person in Seattle known only as dmaycovski82, logged on and established his very own account on Wikiality. This shows not only the human tenacity one exhibits when put in a boring job with no accountability, but also proves without a doubt that there is more to do in Seattle other than protesting, drinking coffee, and buying Space Needle artwork. Presidential Pizza is just such an example. ### Justice Department Contributes to Our Glorious Iraq Revolution October 18, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Alberto Gonzales announced today that the Department of Justice under his leadership has secured $2.5 billion from terrorists hiding in America. "God bless Alberto," Dick Cheney stated, "when my administration has to go around begging for cash, it just shows who the real victims are in this war on terror." "And it's me," Mr. Cheney said exclusively to a Wikiality.com reporter. For more information click here.### Ken Lay Found Innocent of All Charges October 18, 2006, HOUSTON, TX-- A judge in Houston today cleared the embattled former CEO of Enron of all charges against him. "My contention all along was that I never had employment relations with that corporation. And this ruling proves that reality," a sweating Mr. Lay told a Wikiality.com reporter from his home office in Hell this morning ater the announcement was made. "All this legal stuff was daunting," he continued, "if I didn't have the same level of healthcare that Dick Cheney has, I am sure I would have died of a heart attack long ago." When asked what his plans are now that he doesn't have that pesky Enron monkey on his back, Mr. Lay said, "I was the victim here, and I am just relieved that it's over."### Halliburton To Sue North Korea October 17, 2006, HOUSTON, TX-- A lawyer for America's Greatest Corporation has announced that his corporation will be suing North Korea for detonating a nuclear device this past week. "Halliburton is the sole owner of nuclear technology and has worked tirelessly to protect it's patent," the lawyer said today during a press conference at the headquarters of the puppy-loving corporation. "This past week's events are a threat to Halliburton's patent on nuclear devices and my company's proprietary technology. It is nothing less than an assault on my company's copyrights." ChoicePoint, another corporation that loves America more than you ever could, has successfully protected it's proprietary software from greedy, America-hating governments from stealing their secret company patents, released a statement through their spokesman, "We love America and want nothihng more than to enjoy our freedoms. There is nothing wrong with making a profit or the contracts that allow us to get these profits. We are the victims here. God Bless America!"### Liberals Deny The Clenis' Involvement in Recent Hawaii Earthquake October 16, 2006, KAILUA-KONA, HAWAII-- A Republican Congressional candidate is demanding louder than anyone else can stand that liberals must explain why The Clenis caused an earthquake in his homestate of Hawaii. "Americans need to know why liberals are pro-earthquake. And I will begin investigations as soon as I am elected to represent the state of Hawaii. Thank you, and God Bless America!"### Terrorist's favorite Liberal Lawyer to go to Gitmo October, 16, 2006, NEW YORK - Some people have stated their discust with liberals for allowing a terrorist to have a trial and for allowing a lawyer to defend a him. "I heard on the radio that George Soros paid for her to defend that terrorist," said one person. Said another, "I read that on the internets." An unnamed staffer for a Republican official added, "Obviously, liberals are not offended at all that the terrorist on trial killed babies with his bare hands, so that he could eat them."### The Democratic Party is Found to be Behind Every GOP Scandal October 14, 206, WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Wikiality.com has discovered that the Democratic party has infilitrated the offices and staff of every Republican elected to public office for the sole purpose of discrediting these great leaders in the hopes that it would bring shame upon the entire party, including Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wikiality.com discovered that the "Assistants" and "Staffers" hired to work for Republican representative Dennis Hastert were actually Democratic operatives who deliberately withheld information from the embattled Speaker, just to make him look bad. Scott Palmer, Rep. Hastert's Chief of Staff is just the tip of the iceberg an insider told Wikiality.com late Friday night after the press went home for the weekend. "There is no telling how big this is," said an anonymous staffer, who may or may not be a Democratic operative, or who may or may not be a red-herring plant from Karl Rove. The anonymous staffer/red-herring plant, continued, "I am sure there are Democratic party members everywhere trying to hurt the Republican's chances for this upcoming election. It is disheartening to politicize the safety of our children." ### Log In NOW to Chat w Mark Foley October 12, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.-- A live chat session has been arranged for Foley to address the charges against him. Go to Congressman Mark Foley and chat live with the Republican Representative. ### GOP Uncovers Democrat Involvement in Foley-Page Scandal October 11, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Republican leaders have been decrying liberal involvement in the Congressional Page scandal from the very beginnning. Now, Wikiality.com has uncovered sensitive records proving that not only were liberals involved in inappropriate contact with the underage, nubile young pages, but they knew about it and held onto that information until just before a very important election. According to this document, Democratic leaders hacked into Republican computers and watched every single one of the over 4,000 messages Mark Foley wrote in breathless an...ticipation. Wikiality.com will be following this story as it develops, unless there is some kind of terrorist threat or something else more important happening in the world that may distract our attention...ooh, look! A kitty! ### Singer Michael Jackson Announces He Will Run For Congress October 5, 2006, SANTA MARIA, CA-- Mr. Jackson has announced his intention to run for Congress in his California District. Click here for more information. ###